|the end of hallween
||[Nov. 2nd, 2008|11:34 pm]
i tripped over myself for days to throw this last minute party and it all went to shit|
i remember pieces, blurs... i didnt think to stay sober enough to be able to sort through the details of the night because it was my own house my own party how could i have guessed it would go down like that?
it was my first, last and only halloween party.
i had it because jay wanted a party but couldnt afford to throw one. i had it because halloween isnt right if i dont spend it with jay.
jay told me to get out of his life. "I am deleting you from myspace my phone and my life." funny how familiar those words are..... "get the fuck out of my life and out of my house forever you stupid bitch" - Dad 1997. "why dont you get out of my life, i dont love you. i just fuck you, i love her" - john 2003.
i guess i was about due.
i feel numb. totally disconnected from everything and grasping at straws. i want to sleep but i just cry when my head hits the pillow. i tried talking to butters but he stopped being someone i could connect with some time ago, and mel is just useless for understanding anything. and hes the first person to tell you that. heather and meli are miles away with families of their own to wrry about derek and i were never that close. i tried to call erik but mostly i gurggled out a few whimpers between the tears and then it was just silence so i let him off the hook. i hid out at his house all weekend, he was nothing but spectacular to me the whole time. he doesnt deserve having me fall apart on the phone to him, i would apologize but he'd just hug me and tell me it was all right. and he'd mean it. and id believe him.
there is no such thing as forever. there is no great loving overseer there to kiss your boo-boo when you fall. when the lights go out no one hears you screaming in your head out into the darkness to come take you away. there is just you alone in the dark in the cold and the scattered bright flickers that come and go during your lifetime. some have many, some a few. some shine brightly some are barely visible. but eventually they all leave you. or you leave them. its just the law of the universe. nothing lasts forever but you cant accept that so you just hope for better. even now sitting here pouring my heart out to no one but hoping getting it out of my head and into cyberspace will make me feel better and feeling like theres almost nothing out there to keep me from drowning in my own tears i cant help but remember, now, that erik will likely read this. and since i just spent the most amazing time with him and i managed to hide all the crazy and the absolute decimation of my spirit after friday night in order to be able to HAVE that good time with him... in that shining glimmer of warmth and love that he is there is this guilty dark spot that tells me over and over again that i am a bad and selfish person for being with him because if i was just his friend and he told me about this relationship, as his friend i would tell him to escape now. honestly and truly i would tell him if you two are so different on things that matter that much to you, and you know its going to have to end because of it, if you know shes crazy after telling yourself you have had enough crazy girls and you can honestly and truly refer to your feelings as a mistake- run. a good friend would tell him that.
i am not a good friend.
i am a horrible friend and a selfish child so i continue to go to him at every opportunity. i dream of him at night, i think of him every day. i write in my journal about him and then i write to him night after night. i have a notebook i keep just to write to him when he's not here. its almost full now. i lay my head on his chest and feel him next to me, smell his clothes, listen to his heart beat and all the world and usually all the weight just goes away. sometimes i feel so bad, so weighed down i cant breath and wouldnt care if i suffocated to death. those days even being with erik doesnt make me feel better. he calls it 'mopey' and im supposed to control it or keep him out of it which is fair but now im scared i broke that rule tonight when i called him about jay. he was so quiet, i shouldnt have bothered him. i never learn. i fall in love with him more and more and completely ignore the reality of whats to come. i worry every time i tell him that i love him that its the wrong thing to do. i worry every time i dont that he wont know how i feel. i dont know which is worse.
i dont understand people. i dont understand how 'normal' people connect, relate, maintain intimacy. i know there are people alive right now who would tell me they loved me and say things to try and make me feel better but most of those people dont have an impact. theyre my friends, they mean well, i logically understand and appreciate their efforts but for whatever reason it doesnt matter. whether they say 'i love you i care i hope you feel better' or they say 'today i saw a blue sweater for sale and then bought some popcorn' it feels about the same. i dont know why i cant connect. im sure any one of the half dozen shrinks my dad threw me at when i complained about anything would be able to explain it but thats how it is. there are very very few people who i am capable of connecting with. less than a handful left.
sometimes i wish they would all just leave. every one in my life. if they all left, if all the tiny flickers of light got far enough away in the darkness i couldnt see them any more then maybe i could finally give up. maybe then i could lay in bed and wish really really hard for my heart to just stop beating. convince it fighting against the weight isnt worth it any more, so many many years of fighting to beat on. so many times pounding out rythems to the darkness with no response and no relief just struggling to get in the next thump. thump. one more. over and over... my heart is tired and heavy. my head is muddled and screaming. how hard could it really be to just wish with your entire body and soul to let the darkness creep in at last and take that last breath from your chest, let your heart finally rest after what has been a series of bloody battles and FAILED true, honest attempts at goodness or love or connection.
rest sounds so welcoming. i just want to sleep. thats all, just sleep....